bexi_d

I was packing up my apartment and found a pile of drawings I'd forgotten about. I figured I'd take pics of a few before I tossed them. The first was an enlargement of a picture no larger than a quarter, the next two were drawn from live models, the fourth was drawn from memory (my mind's creation) the last is another enlargement and mirroring of magazine images I collaged again in my mind. Actual size on these is like a small poster. If you hate them, don't look at them. If you like them, I wouldn't mind hearing it :)

I has started writing about my extreme opposition to Cash for Clunkers and in the midst of my ranting, I found this article which states my thoughts much more eloquently.


Toward the end of last week, news spread rapidly that the "cash for clunkers" program was about to run out of money.

Under this policy, consumers who own a car with low fuel efficiency can receive $3,500 to $4,500 from the federal government if they buy a new car with higher fuel efficiency.

The goals of the program are to help the environment and to stimulate the auto industry.

The program has been popular with consumers and car dealers. Congress initially allocated $1 billion to the program, and this funding was expected to last through November 2009. Yet the program apparently committed the entire $1 billion after only four days in operation, and many interested consumers have not yet been able to consummate a deal.

Because the program is such a hit, President Obama and members of Congress have vowed to add funding. The House voted an additional $2 billion last week; the Senate may vote Tuesday.

Despite the program's popularity, cash for clunkers is bad medicine for the U.S. economy.

The first problem is that under the terms of the program, any used car that is traded in must be scrapped, and key parts like the engine and drive train destroyed. Thus the program pays people to junk cars that still have economic value. A good friend, for example, is planning to trade in a car that is in good working order. Before the program, he had planned to use the car for another couple of years.

How can it make any sense for policy to encourage the destruction of working cars? Proponents of the program offer two rationales: that the higher fuel efficiency of new cars will reduce the use of fossil fuel, and that the increased demand for new cars will rescue the failing auto industry. Neither of these defenses passes muster.

Cash for clunkers will have a minor impact, at best, on the use of fossil fuel. Many people who trade in clunkers would have upgraded to more fuel-efficient vehicles within a year or two anyway. Thus the program might hasten the adoption of more fuel-efficient cars and trucks, but this is a modest, one-off effect.

Worse, cash for clunkers might cause more driving, since new cars are more fun to drive, and more fuel-efficient cars are less costly to operate. Plus, it takes energy to scrap old vehicles and produce new ones, so the net effect of the program might even increase the use of fossil fuel.

Attempts to reduce the use of fossil fuel should focus on two different policies: higher gasoline taxes and increased rush-hour tolls on highways. If gasoline costs more, everyone faces an incentive to drive less.

If highways cost more at rush hour, some people would commute earlier or later, which means less congestion and reduced gasoline use by all commuters. These two approaches are easy to implement given existing policies, in contrast to cash for clunkers, which requires complicated new rules and enforcement procedures.

The environmental defense of the program is therefore not persuasive. The question is then whether cash for clunkers makes sense because it helps resuscitate the auto industry.

The answer is a resounding no. Government policy should not favor some industries at the expense of others, but that is exactly what cash for clunkers does. The program helps consumers who can take advantage, and it increases profit and employment in the auto industry. But funding for the program comes from all other taxpayers, so it harms the consumers and industries not supported by the program.

Thus cash for clunkers creates winners and losers based on political considerations, not economic values. Whether or not government spending is a good way to stimulate the economy, the specific kind embodied in this program is misguided because it distorts the economy's allocation of resources across consumers and industries.

Any spending stimulus, of course, tends to favor some sectors over others, which is one reason stimulus is better accomplished via reductions in tax rates, not increased spending. Tax cuts improve the incentives to work, save and invest, thereby making the economy more productive going forward. Reductions in tax rates are neutral across sectors and therefore let private valuations of costs and benefits -- not political connections -- determine winners and losers.

Cash for clunkers is therefore just redistribution to certain consumers and to the auto industry; it is more bailout dressed up as environmental policy. Congress should end the program, not expand it.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Jeffrey A. Miron. Editor's note: Jeffrey A. Miron is senior lecturer in economics at Harvard University and a senior fellow at the Cato Institute, a think tank that promotes libertarian views.

I don’t remember when this started exactly, but I remember saying that I would say yes to any opportunity that presented itself whether it be hanging out with new ppl or dating or whatever. I was tired of people telling me ‘I needed to get back out there’ and figured I could muffle their voices and try to peg down exactly what I’m looking for at the same time. (me listening to other ppl instead of myself) Did it work out? Depends on how you look at it I guess. I went through a ton of shit dealing with dating and meeting people. On the bright side, I have a much clearer picture of who I am, what I want out of life and what I’d want out of a significant other.

These past few days I’ve been catching up with Mike a bit and his input is noteworthy.
Michael: I don't understand why you let guys treat you the way you do, how you manage to pick guys like that, how you can not be getting asked out on dates frequently...
and part of that is because you, without any reason or logic, make those choices, and part of it is because I couldn't understand it because I'm me and you're you.
and by that last bit, I mean, I can't get how you aren't getting asked out because I think I am more picky than most, and I like you, so what the heck is wrong with these guys that they aren't asking you out?
And no matter what anybody says or does, I'm going to think that.
me: and you recognize the fact that im crazy?
Michael: I don't know about that.
I find that when people accuse me of being crazy, it generally has more to do with them than it does with me.
I think of Albert Einstein trying to explain relativity to an 8th grader and the 8th grader looking at him and going, "Man, you're crazy."
Einstein isn't crazy. It's just that he's at a level of thought that is way over that kid's head.
me: interesting
Michael: So, I don't think that when you are accused of being crazy that it means you are crazy.
I just think other people don't get where you're coming from.

….without any reason or logic…
… without any reason or logic…
The LOGIC GAP!! (then it clicks) I’ve managed to turn off any filter or thought process, probably because in theory it makes life that much easier to have less to think about, but let me tell you, the chaos it caused far outweighed any initial thinking I’d foregone.

I run my life. Or is it running me? A lot of the stress I’ve been dealing with is because I feel like I don’t have control over my life. Bull horns, meet Bex.

So anywhoozles, back to last night and saying ‘no’ for the first time in a long time. TKD and I had hung out a couple times after the Augie visit this spring and it usually led to some making out. I’ve always liked this guy so I knew if it continued I was going to get attached. Since we had agreed to be single buddies, I talked to him and we decided to cut that aspect out of our future visits and continue down the friend path. After that things were great, we spent some nice days together just relaxing and doing our own thing.

Then I get a call right before he was going to hit the road to come hang out. He explains that he’s interested in a girl back home and that he can’t be anything more than friends with me if he comes out. (confused look) We’d already discussed this and stuck to it. Then he flat out says ‘if you were just looking to get some play tonight then I’ll stay home – it’s early enough for you to find other plans.’ (really confused look) This guy is a virgin and made it clear he plans on staying that way until he gets married. I tell him I’d like to keep our plans because I’d like to see him so we do. That night was a little awkward. He acted pretty much indifferent to me unless I went to talk to someone else for a bit. Then he’d get all flirty and I’d be forced to tell him to stop. Frustrating. I decided not to see him for a while.

It’d been over a month and he broke the silence by inviting me to his birthday gathering. It happens to fall on a Monday night so I was really hesitant about going. I told him I had a lot of stuff to take care of at home (truth!) and would try to stop by if I had time. I get a call from his best friend (who is actually really nice when he’s sober) and agree to catch them when they get back home from the bars. TKD greets me with a huge hug, kiss on the cheek and a ‘hey beautiful! I’m really glad you came out.” I hang out at this sausage fest (all his guy friends…and me) for a few hours, but when all the working folk were packing up around midnight I joined them. He pulls me aside on the deck reaches for my hands and asks me to stay. Let me tell you, it’s not easy to say no when those green eyes are staring down at you and his dark hair is just begging you to run your hands through it…but I managed to say I had to get home and work in the morning. He pulls me in closer, whispers in my ear ‘please stay bex, i’ll make it worth your while.’ I pull away and say, ‘We’ve been through this already - I can’t set myself up to get hurt. If you’re serious, call me when you’re sober. If not, then I hope you had a wonderful birthday. I’ll see you when I see you.” He reluctantly lets go of my hands as I head out.

There’s more. He texts me on my way home:
TKD: I broke whatever we had with that one chick. I wanted to be able to say I was a good boy in case she asked, but she sucks haha
Me: I don’t want to be a second choice. i deserve someone that wants me
TKD: you know what?...you’re absolutely right. You’re absolutely right.

New leaf? I think yes.

(This was written months ago - I'm getting around to posting a few things that I wrote a while back)

The time is 5:39pm. I get a text from the infamous Ricko saying that he is moderately bothered that he’s been missing my calls. Crazy kid should answer his phone. I call him and inform him that I have liquor and have plans to attend a fundraiser Price is Right Party. Next thing I know, he has grabbing a pile of necessities (sans bag) and has hit the road after 3 martinis. In hindsight, he should have skipped the last martini.

It is now 1:30am and we are sitting here writing a blog. The plan for the next 48 hours, give or take, is to hit up the gym for a tri training session, get an oil change, then hit the road to the beautiful Peoria, IL. This cannont end poorly. I will update soon. Love, me.


9:30am. Epic Fail. Someone realizes he forgot that his mother was having major surgery and he should be probably be there…unless he wants the Worst Son of the Year Award. After debating for a good half hour, he has finally decided to pack up his pile of clothes (still no bag…he had to move the bag to get to the clothes, but didn’t think far enough ahead to use the bag to pack.) and hit the road. I’m just sitting her shaking my head that someone could possibly forget about such a significant event.

Next time Rick-o, next time.

I’ve been dealing with shoddy knees since I was 14. I remember in 8th grade going to the doctor and having him tell me not to run. Needless to say, I was too active a person and didn’t listen. Went through PT and it helped a bit, but the tracking issues from overdeveloped quads had led to cartilage damage and what was at the time ‘moderate’ tendonitis. It is now 10 years later and I’m sad to report things have not improved. Last spring I tore the meniscus in my left knee during an ultimate game. At this point the doctor gave me two choices: go under for an exploratory arthroscopic surgery (go in and repair what they find) or wait to see how the joint recovers after PT and time. I opted for the second. That was over a year ago. It was also about the time I decided I needed to get myself back in shape (depression does terrible things to a person). I started working out regularly and in January I decided that I was going to participate in my first triathlon and absolutely nothing was going to stand in my way. I did it (slowly but surely, but I did it). I battled my fear of water and claustrophobia and learned to swim. I bought a bike and she and I spend time together at least twice a week. Plus I increased the amount of running…which may have been where I went wrong. I suffered a stress fracture in my right foot in March and my body was pissed. I never thought I’d say these words, but going out and running for an hour straight is one of the most wonderful mind clearing, relaxing, enjoyable experiences I’ve ever had.

So now what? I’ve finished my race and changed up training to include more weights and less running, but the knees have only gotten worse. The days I do run I’m woken up in the middle of the night because of the intense pain. I had to give up ultimate because of all the jarring/cutting/stopping for the season (minus a couple tournaments) and I miss it like crazy. I really would like to do a full distance tri (about twice as long as the sprint distance), but I just don’t think my knees can take the abuse and it’s breaking my heart. I’m finally getting to the point where I’m happy with my runs – increasing the pace almost every week which is great…until I reach about mile 6 or 7 and the almost instantaneous feeling of fire radiates through my knees and forces me to stop. I know I’m never going to be an elite runner, I’m just not built for it being all tall and bulky, but I’d like to at least maintain what I’ve built up.

It’s looking like it’s time to go back to the doc and most likely surgery (since PT has left me still in pain) and I’m scared out of my mind. What gets to me most is the fact that there is no guarantee the pain (or even the functionality of the joint) will improve. I know I’m going to have to bite the bullet soon because I’m near tears almost every workout lately between the pain and personal frustration with my body. I rarely workout with anyone now because of this, just too embarrassing. I’m ok with going under the knife, I’m ok with the commitment of recovery PT, I’m not ok with having to potentially learn that I destroyed my joints and I’m going to have to live like this for the rest of my life. Amazing what even an ounce of hope can do for a person.

My conclusion from the past 48 hours: what people see of me isn’t the real me. I guess I can’t blame them because they only see me when I go out. They don’t see me at work, they don’t see that I come home and read to unwind after work, they don’t see the hours I pack in at the gym, or the weekly visits to my grandparents… they don’t see anything behind the scenes. So what set me off on this tangent is that my mom called me a party girl last night. Of all people, she should know better, at least in my opinion. So I got to thinking….

JB mentioned that he didn’t think he’d have enough entertainment value for me back in the spring. DM has said several times that he’d like to hang out, but he doesn’t want to do the things I do. A couple guys have mentioned they’d date me if I didn’t drink so much. Monday morning smoke breaks (sans smoking) usually have people drilling me about the weekend. I started a blog to entertain people with terrible stories usually related to drinking. Separate, these things mean nothing. It’s only in their culmination that I’m able to make some sense of all this.

My defense: People don’t want to hear about management philosophies, branding, capital structure or any of the things I’m constantly reading about. Nor does chatter about training techniques or physical therapy last long. Two of the largest areas of my life are downright boring and therefore I choose to limit the amount I talk about them. What people want to hear is about is what happened last Saturday night so that’s why I focus on these types of topics.

I’ve also found that my hobbies (photography, drawing, cooking) can be somewhat ambiguous. I don’t expect that everyone share the same appreciation for the arts like I do, and that’s fine. But I’ve found that the majority of people are uncomfortable communicating about my work either because they don’t understand it, don’t feel they have a basis for judgment, or simply don’t care about art one way or another. It’s easier to avoid the awkward situations and just keep it in my closet.

Traveling is the other part of my life that I can’t imagine living without. But again, it’s hard to communicate that experience to someone. You just can’t share the feeling of standing on a bridge over the top of a waterfall feeling the energy soar through your entire body as the water rushes by no matter how hard you try. Again, I’m left sharing stories about the people I met and how many drinks it took for me to talk to them.

I don’t claim that I don’t go out or that I don’t drink or that I don’t have a good time when I do go out. It’s just not as often or as excessive as this blog makes it seem. The last month or so has been particularly difficult and stressful which has led to a couple blackout drunk nights. I am not proud that I deal with my problems with alcohol, in fact, I’m quite ashamed that I do. I’ve dealt with a father who drinks every night and I should know by his example that it solves nothing. To be completely honest, I’ve been feeling more abandoned, alone and scared than I can ever remember feeling in my entire life. I feel that my usual support structure has completely crumbled and I’m struggling to determine if I can do this on my own, who I can depend on, and who needs to be left in the dust as my life trudges forward.

But to get back on topic, I don’t feel like a ‘party girl’ nor do I ever wish to become one. The main reason I go out is because my friends go out. I know I’ve said it before, but let me restate this just for grins. Hands down, I’d rather sit and talk with my friends at home than spend time with them at a bar. I’d rather watch a fire burn than watch a movie. I’d rather go for a walk than down a bottle. Anyone who’s tried to get close to me knows this and has seen me completely relaxed in my environment. I hope you realize that’s when I’m happiest – thanks for sharing those moments with me.

You may see the topics I write about change drastically from this point on.

I'm thinking my life could easily be turned into a movie… especially last night. I feel like I’ve seen this scene before. You know the one where someone is having just an awful time on a date and they text their friends to call them and fake an emergency to get them out of the rest of the night? I think I just lived through that...

I was having some drinks with a friend and the phone does its thing. All of a sudden he has to take off because someone has been in an accident. (not a problem, this obviously gets priority, go take care of business!) I offer to drive him to the scene since he doesn’t have a car and mine is 50 ft away, but he declines saying he needs to stop home to pick up some stuff. I ask what stuff, and I just get the ‘stuff’ response. (what could you possibly need to pick up?) I think that’s the point where I was no longer concerned about the alleged accident and pure anger took over.

Part of me hates the fact I’ve been conditioned to suspect the worst, but at the same time, it can keep things simple. You lie to me, I ignore you. If your story doesn’t make sense, I ask questions. Your answers don’t stack up, I add you to the shit list.

I don’t understand the motive to act this way, especially when we are solidly on the friend level. I get that he may not have known the details right away, but just SAY SO. (Soandso just called about an accident. I’m not sure what’s going on, but I need to get there to help out.) If there’s a reason you don’t want me to drop you off, just SAY SO. (I’m embarrassed to hang out with you. I don’t want you to meet this person. Etc) Am I out of line here? Should I just stop expecting the truth from people altogether?

I f'd up and used baking powder!

(this one can stand on it's own. nuff said)

....because so many ppl have asked recently.

The short story: He thinks I’m crazy. I think he's inexperienced.

My story: On paper, this kid could have been a decent match, but reality is a much different story. With dating I’ve realized you have to give people the benefit of the doubt since they are probably nervous and it really does take a while to get to know someone. I don’t think I ever got this from JB.

When we met up with a group he seemed nice enough…until he stole a picture out of my phone. (I may or may not have been wearing a shirt….I was playing dare with a Marine that just happens to be stationed in DC – it was the only way we could play!) So you can see why I wouldn’t want this pic circulating – not the best idea. I don’t really mind if he sees it, but sending it to himself crosses the line. Not only that, he decided to show it to a bunch of people he works with which crosses the line so far you can’t even see it anymore. That just shows a complete lack of respect for me. I try to be chill about these things, but honestly, I don’t think I’m out of line on this one. I have no idea where my career is headed and it’s NEVER a good idea to have questionable pics of you floating around.

Even after our first date there were comments made that really stood out. My cousin was coming in from Cali for a week and needed to maintain his schoolwork while in town and I was asked to help him through his geometry. I know I joked around about the GMAT math kicking my butt (but really it was just me getting back into the swing of that line of thinking I haven’t done in years), but when JB made a comment along the lines of “why would he want YOU to help?” it really stuck with me. Believe it or not, I’m an intelligent girl. Yes, I sat and tutored my cuz a couple of nights and it went really well and his entire family thanked me for making him buckle down.

The following week I had a really crappy day and just wanted to relax for the night not worrying about anything. I asked JB if I could come hang out with him after his class that night. He told me he wanted to get a jump start on his paper instead. Suck. I had already changed into pjs when Moozer called me – insert Whisky Wrongs for the rest of the evening. When I told him I had gone out and mentioned it was nice to get a little attention he took this as me purposefully playing the field. First of all, he was my FIRST choice to hang out with and turned me down. Second, we were only casually dating so no real boundaries in place. Third, I went out with an old friend because it sounded like she needed to talk. Finally, I wasn’t looking to meet guys, it just happened, and ending the night with a peck on the cheek seems pretty damn innocent if you ask me (esp since it was the only way for Moozer and me to leave without him following us home). But what really gets me about this entire night is that he later admitted that he lied about the paper because he wanted to hang with a buddy of his instead. If that was the case, why didn’t he just say so?! If he had just said he had plans I wouldn’t have cared, but not pushing off a paper that could have waited really puts things in perspective. Plus lying of any sort is the one thing I have a hard time forgiving.

Then there was the time we went swimming together… I ended up forgetting my swimcap and goggles. Shit. You all know I have an extremely full head of hair and that the amount of water it holds could drown several small creatures… or one of me. At any rate, I wasn’t able to do laps and it sucked. The next time we went he made a comment about me sandbagging and using my knees/foot as an excuse not to push myself harder. WTF? I was told not to work out for 4-6 weeks when they found the stress fracture in my foot only a couple weeks earlier. Needless to say, I was still in a decent amount of pain and getting cramps up into my calf from walking/kicking funny. Not fun. On top of that, I was still in the process of learning HOW to swim. The fact that I was even there with him was stressful enough (pasty white, swimsuit, self conscious, learning a new skill, scared of water, etc), the comments he made didn’t ease the situation for me. But again, I let it go, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and knowing things don’t always come out like you mean them. I’m hoping he was just trying to motivate me to work harder and be fully prepared for the race.

This one needs no explanation. He mentioned “if so many people drive drunk and nothing happens, why don’t they just raise the legal BAC level?” Wow. Smart kid.

The first time he met my parents he was making sex jokes. The one my sister was embarrassed by and talked to me about later was when he spilled some ice cream on his pants and said “guess I got a little too excited.” Funny in a group of peers. Not funny in front of my very Catholic mother and baby sister.

As long as were on this topic, I can mention all the times he would try to get me naked. Flat out asked “Why are you wearing so many clothes?” He already knows I’m extremely self-conscious - why doesn’t he understand the idea is to make me feel good about myself/accepted/wanted instead of harassed? Clearly this guy doesn’t understand the female mind. You need to build that feeling of acceptance and trust before the clothes are easily shed and the endless hours of naked adventures can begin.

What really makes me laugh is the night he wanted to talk about “expectations.” As far as I knew, we were casually dating which to me means testing the waters. Maybe I should try to be more clear about the steps at least as I see them.
*Acquaintance/Friend – Hang out and enjoy each others company doing friend stuff, nothing more
*Casually Dating – Recognition of mutual interest, nothing official, hanging out one on one more often than not, but no boundaries meaning you can casually date however many whomevers you want
*Exclusive Dating – Here’s where it gets a little more serious, you’ve made an agreement to only date that one person, still not considered a relationship, but feeling out if it’s going to go anywhere
*Relationship – You’ve taken the plunge, boundaries come into play, etc etc etc
Anyway, when he wanted to discuss expectations I pretty much rolled my eyes but went with it because I figured it couldn’t get any MORE complicated than it already was. It was during this time I realized his definitions were very different than mine and tried to explain my view. It fell on deaf ears. I was tired of him getting all worked up every time I’d mention I’d hung out with different people (esp if these were just guy friends I’ve had for several years) so I asked if he wanted to date exclusively. The answer initially was him trying to tell me I wasn’t ready for whatever reasons, but eventually came back that he wasn’t ready. Fine. That was easy.

Another thing that really made me shy away was the fact that he had this intensely detailed image of what his life would be. This def reminded me of Chris in the fact that the ideal situation was the ONLY option. I still have no idea where my life is headed and I LIKE it that way! If I knew what would happened when I woke up each day I’d be bored out of my skull. There are so many opportunities out there – jump on them!

I shouldn’t make this sound like I’m perfect because that’s not true and I don’t strive to be perfect (I can only do me). The first time I went out and met a group of his friends I ended up whiskey drunk to the nth degree. I stumbled into one of his really good friends and planted a kiss on this guy. Oops? I guess it wasn’t a GOOD idea, but it’s not like we were exclusive or anything so def not the end of the world. I’m also brutally honest and open about most things and I don’t think he was ready for that. I guess I could start censoring myself, but really, if a guy can’t handle me (and my social life) I’d rather find out sooner than later. On top of it all, he didn’t like my driving. I only hit one car while with him, that’s not bad at all for me….wait, that wasn’t him – that was his friend. Now I’m cracking up and am going to post this before I get more mixed up : )


**Please note that this post is just me using words to relieve my mind of clutter. I’m not out to badmouth anyone and I do think JB has the potential to mature into a great guy. I promise the next post will be lighter - I just had stuff I needed to get off my chest.

**I wrote this last winter and finally decided to post it**

So I was cleaning up my old blog and skimming through some old posts and found some things that I found surprising. Not surprising like a jack-in-the-box didn’t know it was coming surprising, but surprising that I’d managed to push these things out of mind for so long. I’m going to do my best to be as kind as possible with my words (since most of the anger is directed at myself).

Background: I started dating a guy at college and that turned out to be a bad choice. In his own words “I lied to you about things I was doing, I was mean to you, mistrusting, and blind to the fact that you just wanted to help me.” The short story is that he ended up cheating on me and I left him (also about the time he failed out of college). About a week before it was officially over, Chris and I started talking a lot and ended up dating shortly after. It was nice to have someone to help me through the pain of being cheated on, but…

The interesting part (at least to me) is that I found several instances of utter frustration with Chris very early on… especially since it was long distance and I only saw him a couple times a month.

Month 5: Referencing our relationship, I posted in such obvious words “I’m out.” This is followed by a short post describing my frustrations with his reaction to the first time “we need to talk” escaped my lips. He started sending mushy texts asking me to dinner and a movie which were def NOT the norm from him – way to start trying only if the alternative is me leaving. About a week later I wrote about spending time with another guy at school “Is it wrong that I don't want to tell him I kinda have a boyfriend? Is it wrong to like it when someone makes me feel wanted? Shouldn't I get that from the guy I'm with now?”

Month 6: I wrote “After class I talk to Chris for a while, he manages to make me feel like crap so I cut the convo short as I can without letting on to anything.” Again, not being able to communicate with him and keeping it to myself.

Month 7: I wrote: “…Other than that I've taken a few weekend trips with Chris.... which has made me come back to the same mindset I've encountered many a time before while being with this guy. The short version: He does what he wants when he wants. Is it wrong entirely? No (if you’re single). It just has several negative consequences that start to build up and I feel used. Whatever. The other part is the more time I spend with my old friends the more I realize how much there is that I really enjoy doing that this guy just doesn't want anything to do with and doesn't really seem to understand or want to understand. What is it that's going to be important for me and him to both be happy in this relationship? Lots of thinking on the way.”

I’m astonished that I let someone change my life so drastically in such a short period of time. I’m also shocked that I allowed it to go on for so many years. No wonder I was always stressed and had such a short fuse with him, he made me give up several of the things I love and got nothing in return. Maybe I shouldn’t say nothing, we did take a few nice trips together (which I always paid at least my half and were usually destinations HE wanted to see…or on the motorcycle which bored me to death. He even referred to me as ‘cargo’ on these trips.) and it was nice to have someone tell about my ‘problems’ (which he always managed to downplay and rarely ever was able to discuss and help me work through). Rar! Why didn’t I just cut the cord when I noticed these patterns!?

And it’s not like he ‘fixed’ any of the issues we were having down the road, I just leaned to deal with them and remain silent. He did so many things ‘on principle’ that all logic and compromise went out the window. I’m done ranting. I’m just mad at myself for allowing this to happen. Maybe I should put a reminder in my calendar to evaluate my life periodically so it doesn’t get this out of hand again.
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I guess I started thinking about this again after spending a day with one of my best friends from HS. As we were sitting in traffic, she made a comment about how interesting individual people are and how they have their own lives and own social circles and it’s hard to imagine all the connections between them…something along those lines, it was pretty deep. Anyway, it got me thinking about the few people in my web that I ALWAYS make time for and why I make time for them no matter what they need from me. There are even a few newer people in my life that are already topping the charts : ) The best I can come up with is that usually these people are the ones that I can be completely relaxed around, share common interests with, have stood by me even through my rough times and kicked me in the ass when I needed to be kicked, and honest to goodness, make me laugh. And not laugh like a courtesy laugh; laugh like I can barely breathe, my eyes are filling with tears, and I may have just shot liquid out my nose laugh.

Two peanuts were walking down the street…

Today I almost got rear-ended THRICE on my way to work. Why? Photo enforced intersections and speed traps.

Cameras:
It seems people learn where these cameras are and SLAM ON THEIR BRAKES to avoid tickets even though they could safely pass through on the yellow. Shouldn't I be happy that people are following the laws? In this case, no. I'm not happy at all.

From what I've seen, the few intersections that are enforced are causing more problems than keeping drivers safe. I've already stated that drivers are over-reacting to these cameras and I'm sure if I could find some data, I could prove there have been more accidents AFTER the cameras have been installed. Second, drivers drive EVEN WORSE THAN NORMAL an non-enforced intersections. I'm talking cars speeding up to make it through on the yellow, 4-5 cars turning left on red, and generally unsafe habits becoming the norm. (Trust me, I've noticed a lot more about traffic now that I'm consistently out on my bike.)

I always thought the purpose of the government and government spending was to serve and protect residents whether it be a the national, state or local level. It pains me to see our local tax dollars being spent on what is basically an easy source of revenue rather than actual improvements, especially when I don't see the these cameras being a viable source of income into the future. For example, the suburb in which I live doesn't get much through traffic and residents will quickly learn the enforced areas and (as I said before) follow the rules strictly at these intersections. Revenue will not be sustained after this "break-in" period. I KNOW there is a better use for these funds that will better serve the community from which they came.

Speed Traps:
I drive about 15 miles to work every morning and 12 of it is on the highway. Needless to say about Chicago highways, it has been under construction as least 6 years (I remember moving away to college the first time and it being under construction). The good news is that the majority of the route is 3 open lanes, 4 as you get further west and the road is in brand new condition. Why the speed limit is still set at 45 is a mystery to me. There are no workers on this side of the highway, there are no sharp curves, no obstacles, nothing. Typically traffic flows at about 60-65 through the 3 lanes and increased to about 70 when the 4th opens up...except when there is a patrol car in sight. Again, people slam on their brakes and I've seen more crashes and near-crashes because of this. We were all doing just fine safely driving at 65. Why interfere and cause more problems? I understand that there are always exceptions and agree that the small percentage of drives that choose to drive recklessly should be penalized, but please please please don't leave the speed limit at 45 just to catch the majority that are just trying to get into work safely.

It seems I'm not alone on this topic:
http://www.popsci.com/cars/article/2009-01/evidence-traffic-tickets-aren%E2%80%99t-just-about-road-safety
http://www.orthodoxbiz.com/20090415367/business/speeding-tickets-are-about-money-not-safety.html
http://www.thetruthaboutcars.com/the-truth-about-speeding-tickets-and-the-recession/
http://www.motorists.org/blog/traffic-tickets-a-tax-increase-by-other-means/

Haha, you bring out the best in me, if that’s the best. I feel like drunk me isn’t the best though.

Coolest, Sexiest, Gutziest thing I’ve ever seen.

Ok…debate going on and I need your answer; life is opportunity, choice, or circumstance?

Awesome. Just crossed into Canada.
-I thought so. Ur text sounded really far away.
I just put an echo effect on all my texts.

Haha, not feeling the bars tonight. I walked home from the bars Wednesday night…almost 4 miles. Im an idiot.

I get so mad when I wake up to your missed calls.

If I told you; you wouldn’t believe me.
-Try me.
Whip cream, bar bet, first prize, “clothing malfunction,” incidental “nice to know you”
-Wow. I’m trying to run a half marathon in the morning.

Sooooo….Mom is fine. And gb sucks! So I wish I was in ILL with you; and that hurts me to say

You should bring me out as a wing man.

Bucket of margaritas all over my trunk. This brings a new level of sticky into existence.

Does this mean you lost at winning?

-What’s with the nickname they gave me?
That was me blurting out one time at the bar that I’ve never been overpowered by a girl before. I apologize for that.
Unanimous decision was they wished they were me, so you can be mad at me, but don’t be embarrassed

Congrats on your tri. You got scrotes, bitch.

That’s awesome! I’m proud of u! Biggest. Nip ons. Alive.

Yeah!!! After I have my 3 kids I will do one with you. Hey I can dream.

-Why do you drive all the way down here to see me?
Do you have to ask?
Me + me = ? And I have to figure that out

Borrowed a tv, they said I stole it. It was a big mess.

There was one who definitely offered to give E a free ride ;) and C got naked with the piano man

Pic of Coleman Rechargeable Portable Blender with message ‘Blender drinks on the yacht’

The race to orgasm would be ridiculous.

We were trying to make an asian but ended up making Michael Jackson instead. Fail?

I did it with my cracka wickawicka skillz.

That’s only one. I’m an accountant. I would know.

In its inaugural year, Sailing Club took a turn for the worst when our vessel sank the weekend before our first trip. (Reminds me of how we ended up on a pirate ship for prom....) On the bright side, 2009 is turning out to be a much better year! We are currently still taking members if you meet the following requirements.

Free from motion sickness
Ability to soak up hours of sun
Love rum with every ounce of your being
Smile ten times as much as you frown
Have no humane feelings towards gulls
Know how to play Euchre
Enjoy being out on the open water
Available Saturdays July-August
Pitch in so we can borrow the BD boat (provided they don't sink it again this year)

Pirate-haters need not apply.

Glad someone thinks I'm awesome... Emails from a different guy out in NY

Him:The way I look at it is you can dress the nerd up and put some weight on him, but he’s still a nerd…….. case in point, he should never be a douche. If you have any problems with them, send them my way, I’ll make sure they know they’re a nerd and are far too lucky to be with you.

Me:Awww, that was probably the nicest email you’ve ever sent. I feel like someone has hacked into your account.

Him:No one has hacked into my acct. And I believe that there’s no reason a guy should ever get douchey (is that a word) with you……… I mean come on now. How many hot, nerdy, beer drinking, ultimate Frisbee playing, jameson shooting girls are out there?

Me:Best. Email. Ever. Thanks. I needed that.

I’m not a fool
I know all the rules
You can’t trick me, get one by me
There’s nothing I haven’t seen before
How can you be sure you’re the only one who’s working an angle tonight
So if we’re gonna play this game look me in the eye and

Tell me you’re in love I’m the only one
Go on and lie to me with all the things that you say
It’s alright
Just give me tonight
Go on and lie to me and I’ll believe the things that you say
Show me what you want
Anything I got you can take it, fake it, make it
Whatever you’re needing to believe
If we both agree we can’t say we didn’t see what was coming tonight
So if we’re gonna play these parts
Look me in the eye and

I know you’re not making sense
I know this is all pretend
But your dishonesty is killing me
So, baby, I’m all in


Song that pretty much describes the last chapter of my life....but its closing was overdue and I'm out to write something different.

Here's where I start rambling... I've finally set a GMAT date and even though I'm nervous about it, looking forward to finally taking the exam. My first race is in less than 2 weeks and after all the preparation, I'm feeling pretty confident. Got my bike back from repairs (yes, I wrecked it, but it was totally awesome! now my bike and I have matching battle wounds!!) and I met up with 2 guys on 2 different trails this weekend and both were impressed I was able to stick with them the entire time (never thought a bike would be such a useful tool to secure dates!). So yea, life is good. I ended up missing tryouts for a club ultimate team by not making it back to town in time, but again, I think these things happen for a reason so I'm not too torn up about it. I'm debating taking some other lessons anyway and the time/budget constraints don't allow me to do both. I'll go into detail if I follow through with it - I'm still intensely nervous about it, but I need to grow so I'm doing my best.

On a different note, Saturday was one of the best days I've had in a long time. I met up to bike and ended up riding for 2 hours. I loved every minute of it, even though I was tired and sweaty and beat up. Grabbed a quick lunch and headed home to pass out. Woke up to texts from TKD and I headed over to his place. We took the boat out and fished for a couple hours and it was nice just to relax with him out on the lake soaking up some sun and messing around. While he gets cleaned up, I sit on the deck talking to his mom and she's just the most down to earth woman I've ever met. We cruise over to the local bars to meet his buddies which was a lot of fun. These guys have some fantastic stories and I'm sure if I see them again, I'll have some soon. I dunno, it was just a good time and I'm really getting used to being all relaxed. It's been so long since I've been like this.

Sometimes at work my emails digress quickly.  This chain is with one of my coworkers in NY that I track payments for....

Aha!  Had a tough time reading the handwriting on that one – I’ll update now.

 Thanks!

That makes two of us…I have to tell the guy to get some checks haha

Let me know how that conversation goes – you might as well just record it.  If his voice is anything like his handwriting, it’s going to be entertaining.

---

 Funny thing is I talked to him yesterday….everything cleared right up for me

---

 You have a gift.  Can you decipher the note I drunkenly wrote to myself at the bar last weekend? 

---

 Send it over…even if you give me a couple of words from the note I should be able to put the whole thing together for you

---

 OK, so I pulled it out and it’s worse than I thought. 

 

Never… ninja…in a ……. 

 

Other side is more of a list w 2 columns

Good Idea                     Bad Idea

Shots                            Wisemen

Chasing with high fives   Guys that chase with beer

(here’s where its gets a little sketchy)

….. bouncer                  throwing….. cell?

Learn …. ….. ..              drinking…. …. .. flogurts

Poker face … … ..         … … . …….. cards

---

 Front side:
Never you guy wearing all black not in a million years can you have my number
Other side:
Good Idea:
Shots  (Enough Said)
Chasing with high fives (high fives are making a comeback)
Bouncer (What is your number Mr Bouncer)
Learn (To not get so drunk)
Poker Face (hmmmmm)

Bad Idea:
Wisemen (They can’t be fun)
Guys that chase with beer (can’t hold their liquor)
It is not a good idea to thow my cell phone if the bouncer doesn’t give me his number
Drinking Flogurts (there is nothing to be said for that)
Cards: Poker it is

---

Only I remember almost getting into a fight with the bouncer…. Calling him names, making fun of his weight, telling him he had no friends and that he should be keeping me from mine just bc he wanted some company.  

I don’t even know where to start with this weekend. Just wow.

Saturday night alone had enough going on to send me into deep thought for several reasons. I guess that’s to be expected when so many people are involved, but I wasn’t anticipating anything like this. Which begs the question, if you always expect the unexpected, doesn’t that make the unexpected expected?

The culprits:
Group A - a few of my high school girls and some of their U of I buddies
Group B - some new ultimate city folk I’ve been hanging out with lately
Group C – older ultimate friends I’ve played with for a couple years
Group D - Rick (good buddy of JB)
Group E - Roomie, my sister-in-law, TKD, and myself

Instead of writing about the drinking, I’m going to reflect on some of these thoughts. New leaf? Maybe. We’ll see how it goes. …plus the drinking wasn’t terribly eventful this time around.

Thought #1:
I had asked my little brother if he’d be willing to pick up our group and drive us home Saturday night. He said no simply due to the fact that he didn’t want to. I know I don’t think twice and am always trying to make sure he’s taken care of, but it bothers me he doesn’t come through for me the one time I’ve asked him to help. Maybe I just need to be patient and let him mature some more.

Thought #2:
Then there’s Rick… Here’s the best summary:
“the guy told the guy you love to dump you
then drove 4 hours and wanted to hang out
not like that sounds shady at all ;)”
I’m not going to try to understand Rick’s motivations for the visit (I asked several times if this would put him in an awkward position with JB – Rick didn’t care), but it did get me thinking about JB again and led to some realizations. After the last guy I dated for 3+ yrs cheated on me, I was so broken up that I was certain I wouldn’t be able to love again. I literally thought I’d have to change all my goals away from marriage/family because I wasn’t capable of loving again. But looking back, even though circumstances weren’t perfect and JB wasn’t perfect and I know I’m not perfect, I can honestly say I loved the guy and that makes me happy the whole thing happened.

Thought #3:
I’d like to live on a lake (or some sort of water body). We ended up crashing at a condo along the lakeshore and went for a beach walk Sunday morning. I don’t know if it was the company, the weather, or just being outdoors – but it was glorious and invigorating. Pretty much the same feeling I get being up north at the cabin…or romping around at Carmel…or visiting the markets in Seattle. It’s GOT to be the water. I got home Sunday and broke out my old sketchbooks finally inspired to draw again (and found my fav one is missing!). I forgot to put them away and Rick ended up seeing some of my work, which for the first time I didn’t fight and, surprisingly, wasn’t embarrassing. I like this being relaxed thing, maybe I should try to keep it around.

Thought #4:
I decided to dress up a bit on Saturday and one comment from my roomie really stuck out. As I was passing out a round of drinks, she comments that she’s jealous of my arms. I look down and give her an inquisitive look. She points to mine and says “Look! You’re so toned!” That really made me happy. I don’t notice any results from the training since I see myself daily and it gets disheartening to keep it up when it seems I’ve reached a plateau. One comment from her made all the work worth it and gave me a little fire to keep pushing through. Amazing how just a little encouragement goes such a long way for me. Race in T minus 18 days!

Along with this thought is a fact that flowed out during a conversation this weekend. The FIRST mile I ever ran was in 2008 – just over a year ago. To think how far I’ve actually come even in just the past 5 months is pretty significant. My ‘typical’ run is now 6 miles, I’ve learned to swim fairly well, I’m averaging 19mph on my bike and I did my first unassisted pull up last week. Word. For the moment, I am content....just kidding!! I'm still not feeling attractive. I'll get back to that another time tho. I'm out!

I’ve tried so hard to keep some of these things to myself, but it turns out I just don’t care anymore. (we can get into reasons later) Prepare yourselves.

Ladies, I’m sure you’ve heard that you can’t change a guy and that holds true in so many settings including the bedroom. I don’t even know how to say this, but my ex of 3+ years was a HUGE disappointment. Well endowed, but he had no control whatsoever. I hoped that after the first few times he’d relax and it would get better. It didn’t. Three minutes just isn’t enough!! Here’s the saddest stat (as far as I’m concerned), even if we had sex 3 times a week for 3 years straight, we still wouldn’t have clocked 24hours!

Here’s a peek under the covers…
Anatomy incident: We’d been intimate for a while, but there was still a lot of hesitation on his end. I finally break down and ask what’s going on. He admits he’s not familiar with ‘the territory’ to which I roll my eyes and reach for my anatomy text. I open it to the correct page and leave the room for about a half hour. When I return he is still studying - which is half cute but mostly sad seeing as he’s got almost 4 years on me. There’s not that much to remember. Fast forward about a month – still no progress. I strip down and show him in hopes that the real thing will be easier to operate. I point out as objectively as possible everything he could possibly need to know. He pays attention and seems to understand it, so I go into more detail about what I’d like him to do and why. At this point I’m anticipating vast improvement, but I was left unrewarded. Months later, still no improvement. There’s no helping this guy.

DVD incident: I go on his computer to check my email/facebook and see that his is open. Not that I’m a snooper, but it was like a beacon projecting from the screen. An email receipt for a Better Sex DVD. Wow. I know I can’t ever mention that I’ve seen it since he’s already supersensitive about the subject, but that really sends a message. I knew it was bad every time he’d finish early – we’re talking he’d apologize to me and then get intensely upset with himself to the point where he couldn’t even talk to or be near me. I always wondered where his ‘ideas’ came from and I think I know now. Too bad he always had to be in control…missionary…and pause often to keep himself in check to even come close to making me happy. Not a turn on.

The Mandelay incident: I can’t remember what we were coming home from, but on the drive he mentions how much he wants to ‘take care of me.’ Knowing this probably wouldn’t happen, I’m sure I make a crack about it. He decides to stop at Walgreens for supplies. I wait in the car. He comes out with seriously, no less than 36 condoms and a tube of mandelay. He says he felt awkward checking out and told the cashier it was going to be a long night (I’m betting he didn’t get a laugh). I look at his purchase and nearly bite through my tongue knowing this can’t possibly end well – but I’m trying to be optimistic on the ride home. At home he gets straight down to business, I kiss him for about a minute and he gets hard and walks away. I see him open the tube and squeeze out a generous portion of the numbing gel (somehow I managed to hold back the giggles). He applies and then reaches for the condoms which must have been hard to open with slippery fingers. He frantically struggles to get it on and then comes back to me ‘ready to go.’ We kiss a little more (0-50secs) and my tummy starts to feel all tingly and warm as he presses up against me (60 secs in)…but then nothing at all (73 secs in). He had gotten this gel all over me. Shit. Next thing I know he’s flaccid (78 secs in) as the balloon animal you got at the fair 7 years ago. Yea…that really ‘took care of me.’ Still fully clothed, I roll over and call it a night.

Too many incidents to post... like the time he tried to go down on me and got lost, the first time I nibbled on him and he nearly shot himself in the face, or the time he literally threw me off the bed when his teammates stumbled into the hotel room. So good. So so good. Get me drunk. I'll tell you all about it. You will probably cry you'll be laughing so hard.